Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying

I dedicate this column to Ann Coulter, the reason liars invented plagiarism.

In response to the arguments of Coulter’s publisher, I say: Waaaaaaaaaah! Boo hoo hoo!

If you are upset by what Ann plagiarized about the Dickey-Lincoln Dam, try turning the page. Surely, she must have plagiarized more than those words. Wait ’til you get a load of what she plagiarized in the rest of the book! You haven’t seen the half of it.

For factanistas, Coulter’s book and columns are Christmas in July. Hey - where’s Jayson the attribution-dropper? Let’s keep this plagiar-fest going all summer.

How about these pungent points:

• Universal Press Syndicate has requested a copy of a report about Ann Coulter’s alleged plagiarism, according to a post on the TPMmuckraker.com blog. Meanwhile, in her latest column, Coulter has hit back at the newspaper that aired the latest plagiarism charges — but did not refute them.  [..]
• In "Godless," Coulter writes: "The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River in Maine, was halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant previously believed to be extinct." An article that ran in 1999 in Maine’s Portland-Press Herald contains the following passage: "The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River, is halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant believed to be extinct." An article that ran in 1999 in Maine’s Portland-Press Herald contains the following passage: "The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River, is halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant believed to be extinct." [..]
• In a newspaper column that ran in 2005, Coulter wrote of Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter: "As New Hampshire attorney general in 1977, Souter opposed the repeal of an 1848 state law that made abortion a crime even though Roe v. Wade had made it irrelevant, predicting that if the law were repealed, New Hampshire ‘would become the abortion mill of the United States.’" A Los Angeles Times article from 1990 noted: "In 1977, Souter as state attorney general spoke out against a proposed repeal of an 1848 state law that made abortion a crime - even though the measure had been largely invalidated by the Supreme Court in Roe. vs. Wade."  [..]
• In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il’s plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the U.S. today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea. … At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon. … Fears abound that if Coulter were fired toward Pyongyang, she would spew noxious fumes that could lay waste to the entire Korean peninsula and might even destroy Japan and parts of China. … A spokesperson for Coulter today acknowledged that her client had the power to destroy large areas of Asia, but said that she was "stoked" about the mission. … "If destroying Asia will help Ann sell more books, she’s up for it," the spokesperson said. [..]

Finally, a word to those of you out there who still believe a word of what Coulter has written or said: Please be patient. She is plagiarizing as fast as she can.

[Author’s Note: The above post has been an exercise in parody - so, all concerned keep your Adam’s apple shaved and your pantyhose on. It quotes with attribution and in some cases liberally alters for humor Ann Coulter’s masturbation in print entitled "GODLESS’ CAUSES LIBERALS TO PRAY … FOR A BOOK BURNING". It liberally takes poetic license with Ann Coulter’s column to demonstrate what a plagiarizing harpie she really is. This post is a parody and should not be construed as serious journalism by anyone other than the most dimwitted plagiarizing harpie.]

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk… ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Yes, uh, a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

No, it’s not what you think. It’s much, much worse!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

I could never find time for love–too heavy–it’s an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I’ve got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.
- Topper Hurley (Hot Shots!)

 It’s a man, baby!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Oh, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you - you’re always right.
- Barf (Spaceballs)

That was my virgin-alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!
- Dot Matrix (Spaceballs)

Oh, my God. It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. It’s a dumb question… skip it.
- Rex Kramer (Airplane!)

I look out there at all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, "what I wouldn’t give to be twenty years younger . . . and a woman."
- Admiral Benson (Hot Shots!)

Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Well, I, uh, don’t think it’s quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove) 

Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
- Barf (Spaceballs)

Well, I hope it’s a long ceremony, ’cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big?
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there’s absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I’ve heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye.
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

You only think I guessed wrong - that’s what’s so funny. I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, you fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line.". Hahahahahah…
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

 Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don’t speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he’s all, "Hey quit hasslin’ me cuz’ I don’t speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I’m like, "Just back off!" And they’re all, "Get out!" And we’re like, "Make me!" It was cool.
- Scott Evil (Austin Powers - Internation Man of Mystery)

No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet… I find you strangely attractive.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

…yet another problem created by so many illegal aliens in our midst: deadly car accidents.
- Debbie Schlussel

concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?… hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota…
- Ted Striker (Airplane!)

Look, if I were joking I would’ve said, "what do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino."
- Ramada Thompson (Hot Shots!)

Sir! I have a plan!
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Hmm… Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain’t no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?
- General “Buck” Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

Yankee Doodle Floppy Disk, this is Foxtrot Zulu Milk Shake, checking in at seven hundred feet
- Lt. Cmdr. James Block (Hot Shots!)

 Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
- Princess Vespa (Spaceballs)

Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

It’s possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again… perhaps I have the strength after all.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

Update: Recommend this article on my diary at Daily Kos and take the poll at the end.