Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying

Jack Bauer On Friday, while the Attorney General of the United States was preparing to announce the indictments of seven alleged terrorists in Miami, where was Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff? Of course, you say, he was engaged on the issue of terrorism and busy working hard for the American people. Well, not really. On the day the United States accused seven men of attempting to carry out the biggest terrorist act against the homeland since 9/11, Secretary Chertoff found it appropriate to attend a panel at the Heritage Foundation entitled "’24′ and America’s Image in Fighting Terrorism: Fact, Fiction, or Does It Matter?" Secretary Chertoff was joined on the panel by such terrorism experts as the stars, writers and producers of the television show "24", and terrorism expert and moderator Rush Limbaugh.

Secretary Chertoff has a habit of dashing off to conferences during important national security or disaster events. You will recall that the day after Katrina came ashore, the Honorable Michael Chertoff felt that it was more important to go to Atlanta for a conference than to manage the worst natural disaster the United States had experienced in decades. So, unsurprisingly, the Secretary was yet again serving the American public Friday morning by discussing the merits of the television show "24" with actors and producers. The event was deemed so important that such luminaries as Justice Clarence Thomas and Ann Coulter wannabe Laura Ingraham were in attendance.

After Secretary Chertoff finished his speech about what a great show "24" was and how DHS also had some great people who defend this country (without violating the laws!), it was time for Rush Limbaugh to take the moderator’s lectern. In recognition of the esteem that the conservative Heritage Foundation holds for Rush Limbaugh, in 2000 the Foundation awarded Limbaugh its coveted Clara Boothe Luce Award for Limbaugh’s contributions to conservative thought. Clearly, the Heritage Foundation felt that Mr. Limbaugh was well qualified to moderate a panel on terrorism policy consisting of people who make up reality on a regular basis. To emphasize Limbaugh’s stature, Heritage Foundation Executive Vice President Phil Truluck introduced Limbaugh as "a real hero of the conservative movement and a true voice of reason."

Limbaugh began by blaming the "drive-by" media for constraining American interrogation techniques. He wanted to know what "24" taught us about how to act in the ticking time bomb scenario. He was told that in real life the ticking time bomb scenario does not occur and the panelists could not think of one instance in history in which it had occurred. That was the high point of the discussion. A discussion about fiction then became more and more disconnected from reality. The actors and writers protested that "24" was only a television show and not reality, but Limbaugh seemed to find hidden meaning in the "optimistic" plotlines of the show. He found that "24" portrayed America at its best and underscored the need for harsh interrogation techniques. In "24", America always wins in the War on Terror.

According to Limbaugh, the media is largely to blame for the negative impression of America around the world. He found solace and more "reality" in "24" than in real life. That, I have to say, is typical of the reality challenged crowd at the head of this Administration. Finding reality too difficult to cope with and slightly off script, they are content with basking in the fictional successes of shows like "24" in the War against Terror.

The thought that a discussion of a television show was being taken so seriously by conservatives, and the notion that it was more important for the Secretary of Homeland Security to attend this function than work on national security issues, underscores how far astray this Administration and its backers have gone from the thin thread of reality. Ironically, Jack Bauer, the person who most embodies what characters like Limbaugh consider reality, was absent from this gathering of conservatives and fictional characters. Apparently Kiefer Sutherland had more pressing things to do than Michael Chertoff on this particular day.

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk… ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Yes, uh, a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

No, it’s not what you think. It’s much, much worse!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

I could never find time for love–too heavy–it’s an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I’ve got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.
- Topper Hurley (Hot Shots!)

It’s a man, baby!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Oh, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you - you’re always right.
- Barf (Spaceballs)

Ann Coulter

That was my virgin-alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!
- Dot Matrix (Spaceballs)

Oh, my God. It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. It’s a dumb question… skip it.
- Rex Kramer (Airplane!)

I look out there at all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, "what I wouldn’t give to be twenty years younger . . . and a woman."
- Admiral Benson (Hot Shots!)

Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Daniel Pipes

Well, I, uh, don’t think it’s quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
- Barf (Spaceballs)

Well, I hope it’s a long ceremony, ’cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big?
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there’s absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I’ve heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye.
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

You only think I guessed wrong - that’s what’s so funny. I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, you fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line.". Hahahahahah…
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

Debbie Schlussel Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don’t speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he’s all, "Hey quit hasslin’ me cuz’ I don’t speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I’m like, "Just back off!" And they’re all, "Get out!" And we’re like, "Make me!" It was cool.
- Scott Evil (Austin Powers - Internation Man of Mystery)

No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet… I find you strangely attractive.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

…yet another problem created by so many illegal aliens in our midst: deadly car accidents.
- Debbie Schlussel

concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?… hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota…
- Ted Striker (Airplane!)

Look, if I were joking I would’ve said, "what do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino."
- Ramada Thompson (Hot Shots!)

Sir! I have a plan! Charles Krauthammer
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Hmm… Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain’t no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?
- General “Buck” Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

Yankee Doodle Floppy Disk, this is Foxtrot Zulu Milk Shake, checking in at seven hundred feet
- Lt. Cmdr. James Block (Hot Shots!)

Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Laura Ingraham

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
- Princess Vespa (Spaceballs)

Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

It’s possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again… perhaps I have the strength after all.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

Update: Recommend this article on my diary at Daily Kos and take the poll at the end.