Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying

richard perle

Archived Posts from this Tag

Tue Apr 11 2006 3:17 am

A Series Of Unfortunate Juxtapositions

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk… ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

Yes, uh, a profound sense of fatigue… a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I… I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
- General Jack D. Ripper (Dr. Strangelove)

No, it’s not what you think. It’s much, much worse!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

I could never find time for love–too heavy–it’s an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I’ve got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.
- Topper Hurley (Hot Shots!)

It’s a man, baby!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Oh, you’re right. And when you’re right, you’re right. And you - you’re always right.
- Barf (Spaceballs)

Ann Coulter

That was my virgin-alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!
- Dot Matrix (Spaceballs)

Oh, my God. It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
- Colonel Sandurz (Spaceballs)

Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked… in the head… with an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does. It never happens. It’s a dumb question… skip it.
- Rex Kramer (Airplane!)

I look out there at all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, "what I wouldn’t give to be twenty years younger . . . and a woman."
- Admiral Benson (Hot Shots!)

Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
- Dr. Evil (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

Daniel Pipes

Well, I, uh, don’t think it’s quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
- General "Buck" Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
- Barf (Spaceballs)

Well, I hope it’s a long ceremony, ’cause it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Why didn’t somebody tell me my ass was so big?
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there’s absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I’ve heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye.
- President Skroob (Spaceballs)

You only think I guessed wrong - that’s what’s so funny. I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, you fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line.". Hahahahahah…
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

Debbie Schlussel Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don’t speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he’s all, "Hey quit hasslin’ me cuz’ I don’t speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I’m like, "Just back off!" And they’re all, "Get out!" And we’re like, "Make me!" It was cool.
- Scott Evil (Austin Powers - Internation Man of Mystery)

No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet… I find you strangely attractive.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

…yet another problem created by so many illegal aliens in our midst: deadly car accidents.
- Debbie Schlussel

concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?… hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota…
- Ted Striker (Airplane!)

Look, if I were joking I would’ve said, "what do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino."
- Ramada Thompson (Hot Shots!)

Sir! I have a plan! Charles Krauthammer
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
- Dr. Strangelove (Dr. Strangelove)

Hmm… Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain’t no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?
- General “Buck” Turgidson (Dr. Strangelove)

I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
- Vizzini (The Princess Bride)

Yankee Doodle Floppy Disk, this is Foxtrot Zulu Milk Shake, checking in at seven hundred feet
- Lt. Cmdr. James Block (Hot Shots!)

Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
- Austin Powers (Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery)

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That’s the stupidest combination I’ve ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Laura Ingraham

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch!
- Princess Vespa (Spaceballs)

Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

It’s possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again… perhaps I have the strength after all.
- Wesley (The Princess Bride)

Update: Recommend this article on my diary at Daily Kos and take the poll at the end.

airplane

Tue Apr 4 2006 4:22 am

Chicken Soup For The Chicken Hawk

Posted by Mash under Politics , Foreign Policy , Humor , Iraq , Afghanistan
[5] Comments

These guys put the chicken in chicken hawk. Enjoy your journey into the healing powers of delusional thinking.

Here’s a small sampling from the very tasty chicken hawk menu:


Daniel Pipes
	Claim to fame: Founder of the Middle East Forum Former board member of the US Institute of Peace (recess appointment by President Bush) Muslim basher and all around xenophobe Japanese internment supporter Palestinian hater Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: "Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers, met with an Iraqi intelligence agent in Prague. Two of his co-conspirators met with Iraqi intelligence officers in the United Arab Emirates. Bin Laden aides met with officials in Baghdad. Further, Saddam may be behind the recent military-grade anthrax attacks, suggested by the presence of bentonite, a substance only Iraq uses for this purpose. " -"On to Baghdad?: Yes - The Risks Are Overrated" in the New York Post, 12/3/2001 "Saddam Hussein represents the single greatest danger to the United States, not to speak of the rest of the world. Today, with Americans mobilized, is exactly the right moment to dispatch him." - New York Post, 13/3/2001 "A famous American victory in Iraq and the successful rehabilitation of that country will bring liberals out of the woodwork and generally move the region toward democracy. (Saudi leaders are already leaking their plans to establish electing assemblies, something totally unprecedented in their kingdom.)" -New York Post, 2/11/2003 "The United States cannot pass up a unique chance to remake the world’s most politically fevered region. Sure, the effort might fail, but not even to try would be a missed opportunity." - New York Post, 2/11/2003 "Oh, it was a success. We got rid of Saddam Hussein. Beyond that is icing." -Pittsburgh Tribune-Review 4/1/2006 "The ingratitude of the Iraqis for the extraordinary favor we gave them — to release them from the bondage of Saddam Hussein’s tyranny. They have rapidly interpreted it as something they did and that we were incidental to it. They’ve more or less written us out of the picture. " -Pittsburgh Tribune-Review 4/1/2006


Richard Perle
	Claim to fame: Assistant Secretary of Defense under Ronald Reagan Chairman of Defense Policy Board Advisory Committee under President Bush "Prince of Darkness" Member of the Project for a New American Century Signer of 1998 Letter to President Clinton advocating overthrow of Saddam Hussein Alleged to have behaved unethically for financial gain Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: "Because the thing that many of us have speculated about is happening. There is that interchange. It is likely that chemical weapons, biological weapons in the possession of the Iraqis derived during the cold war from the Soviet Union are now being disseminated to terrorists." -PBS interview, 7/11/2002 "Saddam is in the terrorists business. The easiest thing for intelligence organizations to do is unconsciously slip into a world-view that becomes a filter that causes you either not to look, or even when you see, to ignore and fail to register information inconsistent with that world-view. And it has been the view of the intelligence establishment for a long time now that Saddam, who is secular and not a religious fanatic like Osama bin Laden, behaves in a manner different from the terrorists. So they’re not looking. Even when there’s evidence; they tend to discount the evidence. I think they’re simply wrong about this." -PBS interview, 7/11/2002 I noted there were widespread media reports saying an attack would require up to 250,000 troops. These soldiers could not all be air-dropped into Iraq. They would have to come from somewhere, such as Saudi Arabia. And a military action of this size would need extensive logistical support nearby. Forget the 250,000 figure, Perle said: "The Army guys don’t know anything. They said we needed 500,000 troops in 1991 [for the Gulf War]. Did we need that many to win? No." What’s the Perle Plan? I asked. "Forty thousand troops." he said. - David Corn interview, 5//10/2002 "The problems in Iraq are ahead of us, but we’re doing better than people think. And a year from now, I’ll be very surprised if there is not some grand square in Baghdad that is named after President Bush. There is no doubt that, with the exception of a very small number of people close to a vicious regime, the people of Iraq have been liberated and they understand that they’ve been liberated. And it is getting easier every day for Iraqis to express that sense of liberation." -AEI Luncheon 9/23/2003


Ken Adelman
	Claim to fame: Assistant to Donald Rumsfeld from 1975 to 1977 Arms Control Director under Ronald Reagan Member of the Project for a New American Century Ken "cakewalk" Adelman Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: "I believe demolishing Hussein’s military power and liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk. Let me give simple, responsible reasons: (1) It was a cakewalk last time; (2) they’ve become much weaker; (3) we’ve become much stronger; and (4) now we’re playing for keeps. " - Washington Post, 2/13/2002 "Hussein constitutes the number one threat against American security and civilization. Unlike Osama bin Laden, he has billions of dollars in government funds, scores of government research labs working feverishly on weapons of mass destruction — and just as deep a hatred of America and civilized free societies. " - Washington Post, 2/13/2002 "We urge you to seize that opportunity, and to enunciate a new strategy that would secure the interests of the U.S. and our friends and allies around the world. That strategy should aim, above all, at the removal of Saddam Hussein’s regime from power. We stand ready to offer our full support in this difficult but necessary endeavor." -PNAC letter to President Clinton, 1/26/1998 "I have no doubt we’re going to find big stores of weapons of mass destruction". These weapons are likeliest to be found near Tikrit and Baghdad, "because they’re the most protected places with the best troops." - Washington Post, 3/23/2003


Zalmay Khalilzad
	Claim to fame: US Ambassador to Iraq Former US Ambassador to Afghanistan King maker of Iraq and Afghanistan Member of the Project for a New American Century Signer of 1998 Letter to President Clinton advocating overthrow of Saddam Hussein Initially supported the Taliban in Afghanistan as a force for stability Negotiated with the Taliban on behalf of Unocol to for a proposed natural gas pipeline through Afghanistan Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: "The Taliban do not practice the anti-U.S. style of fundamentalism practiced by Iran" -1996 while working for Unocol on the Afghan gas pipeline proposal


Frank Gaffney Jr.
	Claim to fame: President of Center for Security Policy Assistant Secretary of Defense under Ronald Reagan Member of the Project for a New American Century Signer of 1998 Letter to President Clinton advocating overthrow of Saddam Hussein Frank "Connect the Dots" Gaffney Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: "Under present wartime circumstances, though, the United States has the ability — and, indeed, an urgent responsibility — to take more comprehensive action against Al Jazeera and Al Arabiya. Unless the two networks adjust their behavior so as no longer to act as the propaganda arm of our enemies, they should be taken off the air, one way or another." - Fox News, 9/29/2003 "The [9/11 Commission] staff’s statement concerning Iraq and Al Qaeda (search) is internally inconsistent; it ignores key facts; it selectively addresses others; and it effectively condemns as incredible the considerable amount of evidence that suggests Saddam Hussein and Usama bin Laden did indeed have a collaborative relationship – as President Bush and Vice President Cheney have insisted." -Fox News, 6/20/2004 "I was thinking actually about effecting regime change through the use of military force. There are other ways to effect regime change as well. The problem with not replicating the Iraqi (Israeli?) Osirak attack, which also had a desired effect on Iraq, is it is no longer possible, given the lessons the Iranians learned about concealing and dispersing their nuclear weapons program. I think to do that very discriminate, precise military strike, you’re gonna have to change the regime, and I think the good news here, John, if there is any, is that I believe the Iranian people want that every bit as much as we do, if not more."-John Gibson interview, 11/24/2004, already advocating attacking Iran in 2004 "The connections between the Nazis and the Islamofascists are rooted in more than shared ambitions of world domination and violent methods."…"Consequently, as a practical matter, we have no choice but to fight the Islamofascists, both abroad and at home. Surrender, whether in Iraq or elsewhere, is not an option." -Renew America 3/20/2006


Elliott Abrams
	Claim to fame: Deputy National Security Advisor to President Bush Special Assistant to the President under President Bush Pled guilty to two counts of unlawfully withholding information from Congress during Iran-Contra Member of the Project for a New American Century Signer of 1998 Letter to President Clinton advocating overthrow of Saddam Hussein Iraq War champion

Notable Quotes: Does damage mostly with actions.